Upside down thinking...

Have you ever just wanted something so badly that you're totally disappointed when you don't get it?

I'm sure if you're like every other human being on the planet, the answer is a resounding, "YES!".   I'm also fairly confident that the things you're disappointed about NOT getting are all good, happy, positive things...right?

Here's where it goes topsy-turvy for me...

Each year, since I hit my mid-twenties, I've had a mammogram.  Most women start them in their 40's, but thanks to the same genetics that give me my amazing hair and skin, they also afford me a multi-generational, bi-lateral background of various cancers.  Oh, joy.

I've gone annually and bi-annually.  I've had regular mammograms, digital mammograms, 3-D mammograms, CESM (Contrast Enhanced Spectral Mammography) which is where I get an IV of dye shot through my body (which gives me the feeling of simultaneously wetting my pants and vomiting), and ultrasounds.  I know you're jealous right now...  :)

The result of all of this squishing?

Nothing.

I get a, "Well, you're special, that's for sure"., and "With your family history, we will keep monitoring.".

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE my doctors, the techs, and all the gals at the cancer center in Sioux Falls... but just once, I want to hear them say, "Well girlie, we've found something, and now we deal with it.".

Yep...told you...topsy-turvy.

I mean, really... how many women WANT breast cancer?

I know my grandmother didn't.
I know my aunts didn't.
I know my friends didn't.
I know my step-mother-in-law didn't

But some days the uncertainty of "when the other shoe will drop" about does me in.

Now hold on a minute.  Before you begin to think that I go through all of my days just waiting for the "Big C" to come into my life, I don't.  I've got a business to run, a family to raise, a job to work, and a life to live, so I've got more than enough to occupy my thoughts and days. But maybe that's just it... I want the diagnosis so that I can fight it while I'm in my 40's and 50's and stronger than if I get it in my 70's and 80's...

And get it I will.  It's not an if, but a when in my life.

Yesterday in the two and a half hour drive home after what should've been just one mammogram that turned into two mammograms and an ultrasound, I spent a lot of time arguing with "The Big Guy". Every possible emotion came out of me in a short period of time. Oh, I sobbed and screamed, and plead my case.  I wept and was thankful.  I shook my fist and screamed some more.

He let me.

And when my eyes stung so badly from the salty tears, and my shoulders ached from the force of the sobs, I was quiet.

I drove in the silence for a few miles.

I turned on the Christian music station I can only get on my AM/FM radio when I'm near Sioux Falls, and I began to sing.

Song after song came on to help me let go.  I stopped sobbing and yelling and arguing.

I just sang.

Thy will be done.
Daily Bread.
Trespasses.
Kingdom and Power and Glory.

Forever and ever.

Am I still disappointed in not getting the answers I wanted?

If I'm honest?  Absolutely.

But I have faith that in His time I will have the answers.  In His hands, I will be held up.  All I have to do is hold on...

And sing...

And maybe give up those topsy-turvy thoughts...




Avera Breast Center - Sioux Falls

Opportunities are all around you....

Yesterday I spent the entire day at Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota.

First of all, what a wonderful resource we have at our fingertips in the midwest!! If you've never had the opportunity to see this small city in person, it's quite a site.  It is a well-oiled machine of many different specialists in one spot, who truly have patient care as their focus.

Why was I at this amazing place?  Well, my son (who is now almost 19) has a condition called Pectus Excavatum.  What is that you ask?  Pectus Excavatum is a congenital chest wall deformity in which several ribs and the sternum grow abnormally, producing a concave, or caved-in, appearance in the anterior chest wall.  Cliff Notes version?  He has a huge hole in his chest. This condition affects his heart and lung function and will require painful surgery to repair it.  If caught early, around the age of 10 or so, it can be fixed with minimal pain....insert mom guilt here.

So yesterday while sitting in this small city of diversity I had time to ponder.  Some of the thoughts were about the mom guilt I mentioned above. Other thoughts were of the many different nationalities around us. Still, others were of WHY were the other people here....what maladies did they have?

During one of our waiting periods for some pulmonary function tests, I excused myself to use the ladies room.  When I got to the doorway, there was an older couple outside the door.  The wife was in a wheelchair and on oxygen.  The husband trying desperately to hold the chair, her oxygen tank, and help her up all at once.  I didn't even hesitate but asked if I could help them out in any way. The look of gratitude on the husband's face was very apparent.    I held the oxygen tank and gave the wife my arm.  We entered the ladies room, I helped her into the stall, and told her when she was done that I would be here, she just needed to let me know when she was finished.  At this point, she gave me that same look of appreciation I had seen from her husband.  I finished, washed my hands, and soon she was ready to use the sink and make her exit.  I held the oxygen tank again and we headed out to the wheelchair awaiting her.  Her husband and I got her settled and they both thanked me profusely.  I simply replied it was my honor and I can't imagine how hard it is when it's just a husband/wife at an appointment.  Now granted, there are family bathrooms, but how many of us really want to have our husbands go into a bathroom with us?!?!?

I headed back to the waiting area with a smile on my face and a thought circling around in my brain.

There are opportunities all around us to minister to others if we just slow down, remember our manners, and offer assistance.  The reward can be so great.  It's been said that you tend to forget your own problems when you're helping others... I absolutely agree.  The rest of my day was spent with an entirely different outlook.

Now, I didn't help this couple for the potential kudos I'd get from them or anyone else that might have seen me.

I did it because
1.) I would hope someone would offer the same help to my parents if they were ever in the same situation and

2.) Wouldn't you want someone to help you out if you were in that situation?

Mind you, in today's day and age it can be scary to trust a stranger, so maybe it was because we were in a hospital setting that it was easy for them to accept my help, or maybe it was because they were just at their wits' end and didn't care who helped them as long as they got help.

Maybe, just maybe, they saw a caring face, heard a voice full of sincerity, and decided I was a good person.  That is my hope.  That is what I want people to see...

The visit to Mayo yesterday ended with knowing my son will have surgery when he finishes college in a year and a half and reaffirming my belief that there are good people in the world and if we all take a minute to do good things, the world becomes a better place...even if it's just the small corner of the world you happen to be in.