My holiday television pleasures were watching the gang deal with the Great Pumpkin, and A Charlie Brown Christmas. The exasperation Lucy had with Charlie Brown over his handling or lack of handling situations, could always make me smile. Sometimes I'm a lot like Lucy.
Shocking, right?!?!? ;)
As I've aged and experienced life more, I've gone from the exclamation such as Lucy used, to the noun form of the word.
Grief. (Greef)
NOUN
1.
keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret.
2.
a cause or occasion of keen distress or sorrow.
IDIOMS
3.
come to grief to suffer disappointment, misfortune, or other trouble; fail: Their marriage came
to grief after only two years.
4.
good grief (used as an exclamation of dismay, surprise, or relief): Good grief, it's started
to rain again!
Some months ago, the congregation met with our district president to find out what the process is to go about "decommissioning" a church. After discussing the legalities, Pastor Paul wanted us to know we'd all probably go through the five stages of grief. I was already in tears at this point, so it made sense to me that this would happen. What I didn't realize is that I'd get stuck in one of the stages - or potentially do them out of order.
The stages of grief are: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, & Acceptance.
I blew right through denial, bargaining, and acceptance. It's inevitable that we'll close. Although my God can perform miracles, I don't believe keeping our doors open is one of them that warrants His time and attention. Depression was a little more tricky for me. I waiver between that one and anger.
But I am currently stuck in anger. I AM VERY ANGRY....
I can list off a litany of things I'm angry about. (Funny, how the word litany came to mind - its' origin comes from the church.) I'm not going to detail what I'm angry about because the list is between me and my Lord - and the Holy Spirit has been working diligently on my hardening heart.
The point is that this is the stage in which I am stuck.
This morning, in the quiet, pre-dawn moments of waking, when the house and my mind were both quiet, I was able to hear the Holy Spirit minister to my weary, angry self. The words spoken on my heart were these:
Rita, Jesus's earthly father was a carpenter. His hands were rough and calloused from years of work. Times when wood or fasteners created blisters that broke open and became wounds, only then to form harder skin over the area in which to protect it from further damage and/or create a scar in which Joseph was reminded of the fruits of his labors.
You also form callouses in your life. Your skin hardens a little bit after being hurt, so too, does your heart. You can continue to let them harden or you can apply a balm to soften them. You'll still see the fruits of your labors, but in a different Light. The balm is His word and your faith. Use the balm.
I didn't want to go to church today. The anger was too great and too raw. I feared Pastor would see it in my face and on my heart.
I went.
I listened, sat convicted, but then let the balm begin to work.
I'm still angry - I'm flawed and human.....but my heart is softening a bit more.
I have five more Sunday opportunities to sit in my church before the doors close. I have two months in which to daily apply the balm.
I may not like this phase of grief I'm in. It may take more time that I'd like, but I am absolutely certain this phase is the one that He will use to teach me the most.
