I'm sure if you're like every other human being on the planet, the answer is a resounding, "YES!". I'm also fairly confident that the things you're disappointed about NOT getting are all good, happy, positive things...right?
Here's where it goes topsy-turvy for me...
Each year, since I hit my mid-twenties, I've had a mammogram. Most women start them in their 40's, but thanks to the same genetics that give me my amazing hair and skin, they also afford me a multi-generational, bi-lateral background of various cancers. Oh, joy.
I've gone annually and bi-annually. I've had regular mammograms, digital mammograms, 3-D mammograms, CESM (Contrast Enhanced Spectral Mammography) which is where I get an IV of dye shot through my body (which gives me the feeling of simultaneously wetting my pants and vomiting), and ultrasounds. I know you're jealous right now... :)
The result of all of this squishing?
Nothing.
I get a, "Well, you're special, that's for sure"., and "With your family history, we will keep monitoring.".
Don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE my doctors, the techs, and all the gals at the cancer center in Sioux Falls... but just once, I want to hear them say, "Well girlie, we've found something, and now we deal with it.".
Yep...told you...topsy-turvy.
I mean, really... how many women WANT breast cancer?
I know my grandmother didn't.
I know my aunts didn't.
I know my friends didn't.
I know my step-mother-in-law didn't
But some days the uncertainty of "when the other shoe will drop" about does me in.
Now hold on a minute. Before you begin to think that I go through all of my days just waiting for the "Big C" to come into my life, I don't. I've got a business to run, a family to raise, a job to work, and a life to live, so I've got more than enough to occupy my thoughts and days. But maybe that's just it... I want the diagnosis so that I can fight it while I'm in my 40's and 50's and stronger than if I get it in my 70's and 80's...
And get it I will. It's not an if, but a when in my life.
Yesterday in the two and a half hour drive home after what should've been just one mammogram that turned into two mammograms and an ultrasound, I spent a lot of time arguing with "The Big Guy". Every possible emotion came out of me in a short period of time. Oh, I sobbed and screamed, and plead my case. I wept and was thankful. I shook my fist and screamed some more.
He let me.
And when my eyes stung so badly from the salty tears, and my shoulders ached from the force of the sobs, I was quiet.
I drove in the silence for a few miles.
I turned on the Christian music station I can only get on my AM/FM radio when I'm near Sioux Falls, and I began to sing.
Song after song came on to help me let go. I stopped sobbing and yelling and arguing.
I just sang.
Thy will be done.
Daily Bread.
Trespasses.
Kingdom and Power and Glory.
Forever and ever.
Am I still disappointed in not getting the answers I wanted?
If I'm honest? Absolutely.
But I have faith that in His time I will have the answers. In His hands, I will be held up. All I have to do is hold on...
And sing...
And maybe give up those topsy-turvy thoughts...
Avera Breast Center - Sioux Falls
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