One year...
365 days...
8,760 hours...
525,600 minutes...
31,536,000 seconds...
An eternity in my world. A blip in Heaven...
A year ago today, my family started the "Year of Firsts" when the man we called Dad and Grandpa took his final earthly breath.
The year of firsts is long and causes aches like you can't imagine. Days when you just want to go lie on the ground near the grave and weep. Days when you go to call and realize as you're dialing the number that no one will answer. Days when you swear you hear a familiar whistle and you go to meet that familiar face, but it's not there and the whistling was all in your head. Days when you think you'll go crazy trying to handle everything without showing all the emotions you're feeling because people will think it's past time you "got over it" and moved on. Days where your morning prayer is a plea for the second coming of Christ so that you don't have to be here anymore.
It's no secret that my Father-in-Law's passing affected my family deeply. He was the "bounce-back" guy... Back surgeries, COPD, pancreatitis, cancer treatments... he was a strong, stubborn German who wouldn't be kept down. Always a smile... always a whistle...never would he admit pain...and always, he would recover. Until...
Until that March morning when he knew that he wasn't going to bounce back. When he had talked to his wife and children and closed his eyes, taking deep breaths...inhaling Heaven, exhaling Earth...
Inhale... Heaven
Exhale...Earth
I'll never forget trying to stay calm for my children as we were frantically trying to get to the hospital two and a half hours away. I won't forget when my husband called at a little after 5pm, and I couldn't get it off the speaker in the car and my kids heard their dad's voice cracking as he told me "He's gone.". I can't ever forget the wailing of my children in the car as they realized their grandfather was not going to see them anymore and we missed the opportunity to say good-bye.
Yes, the year of firsts can be awful. It can be so full of pain that blindsides you on days you think it shouldn't. I understand why back in the day the mourning family wore black for up to two years...It allowed others in society to realize that this family has had a tragedy so give them a little extra latitude. The black clothing made a statement for you without you ever having to say a word... some days that would be nice.
But...
The year of firsts is also meant for healing. As you near the end of it, you can see joys - albeit sometimes very small - but joys nonetheless. The colors in your world start to reappear. The birthdays, holidays, grand events missed; don't hurt as much as they did in the beginning of the year of firsts. There is the beginning of acceptance - a "new normal" so to speak.
Adjustments...
Deep breaths...
As we celebrate this day (yes, I said celebrate), this anniversary of the beginning of the Year of Firsts, I'm grateful. Grateful for the friends who've helped us along the way. Grateful for the tears because they remind me I'm human. Grateful for the years we had with such a wonderful man. Grateful for the memories. Grateful that this year is almost past...
We still have one more anniversary to get through, and that comes on Easter Sunday this year. It will be the year anniversary of the funeral. I find it very appropriate that the year anniversary, Easter, and April Fool's Day all share the same day. I think it will help make the day a little less sad... It also proves to me that God has a sense of humor and He and the "head Wingnut" are smiling down at us as we shake our heads at it all.
